I should stop updating this blog kasi malinaw na sakin lahat. Nasasakal na si Eric sakin. Ayaw na nya talaga.
I was talking to Jeric last night and Rodel earlier, both on the phone. They gave me particularly good insights about things.
I shared to Jeric what I told Dianne and what I wrote here (Day 12) about how Eric never gave up years ago and about how I won’t give up easily now. Jeric told me it’s the “Grass is Greener Syndrome”. That Eric wanted us to work so bad that he didn’t care if I was mean to him or not. He wanted it so bad because we never really got the chance to get together officially. We finally got together two and a half years ago, only for him to find out that US wasn’t exactly what he wanted. And it sucks a thousand times over for me because US was exactly what I wanted.
Then there’s this something that Rodel said earlier. I told him Eric hasn’t been responding to my text messages but that it was okay because there wasn’t exactly anything to respond to. But I told Rodel that I hope Eric at least read them and absorbed them. At least. He also said of course Eric wouldn’t respond anymore because he decided on the FINALITY between us and he wouldn’t want to give me false hope by responding. He wouldn’t want me to think for a second that he was interested with me again. Ugh.
Why the hell is this happening?! Why is it so easy for him to do this to me? Am I really that pathetic and unlovable that I made him THAT unhappy?? That I’m just really not worth having a shot at, even with our history?
The only improvement that I’ve noticed is that allowing myself to be miserable and pathetic and clingy and annoying calms me. I don’t have to pretend that I can stand not texting him, so it allows me to really feel what I feel—which are sad and broken and confused. I realized it’s fine to feel those things and I don’t have to explain or justify it to anyone.
Of course I still love him and I’m still hoping that everything will be okay soon. But my conviction isn’t that strong anymore. I’m not sure how long I can do this. I know I’ll recharge again tomorrow and do it all over again—pining over him and feeling sorry for myself, then having the encouragement again from somewhere and then telling him all about it in one very long text message.
Also, I texted his Mom earlier to ask her if he went out. His mom said that he did but they were gone when he left and he still hasn’t come back when they did. I texted around 7:30. I wonder who he went out with and where. I’m sincerely hoping that he’s out only with friends like last week. I really am.
I would like it very much for everything to go back to normal between us, thank you very much. I wonder when that’ll happen. Or if it ever will. But I will wish every day and pray for it every night.
Last night Dianne came over and we talked all night and drank vodka jello shots while we were at it. I told him random stories about Eric. And after a few hours of telling stories with no tears involved, I almost cried while I was telling a particular one that happened summer of 2008.
I had just started teaching, Eric and I were talking again. I was telling him I was tired of going back and forth with him, with nothing happening, not exactly being friends and not exactly being officially together. I was telling him na hindi kawalan sa aming dalawa if we didn’t stay friends or if we just dropped off each other’s radar. We didn’t have any common friends, we lived so far away from each other, we went to different schools, and so on. I was practically listing reasons for us to stay away from each other.
But he didn’t want it. He was telling me that he still wanted to be a part of my life. He said it didn’t matter if we never got together, he could settle for just being my “best friend”. I could tell him everything someone would share to her best friend, and he would be there for me to listen to whatever I had to say. I was telling him it wasn’t a good idea because we both knew how we felt about each other and it would just complicate things.
I don’t know how that conversation ended. I don’t remember if I said yes we could be friends or not. A lot of things happened after that particular conversation, but that was a very memorable conversation for me.
Last night, I told Dianne that I appreciated what he did back then; that he didn’t give up on us; that he held on in spite of my being a monster to him. I was intent on erasing him from my life because I thought that it was all pointless. But he proved that he was determined and that he wanted to really stay in my life.
And last night I realized, I could never give Eric up. Ever. I’m probably too weak to plead to him that I could settle for being friends (because I can’t) but I am willing to do anything I can to win him back. Forget pride. Forget whatever.
I texted him several times today to tell him how I feel. I even sent him a message on Facebook. I’m pretty sure he’s annoyed by me. But I’m holding on to the tiniest ounce of hope that what I told him made him think also; that he’s not easy to give up. That I hope he still sees a tiny little chance that I could change his mind, like how he changed my mind and convinced me years ago.
I want him in my life. I love him. He never gave up on me back then. I won’t give up on him now.
Unless he falls in love with someone else, in which case I might as well die.
I really hope he’s not annoyed with me. And that he misses me, at least.
Yesterday I was successful in not texting Eric and not dropping by at CG to wait for him and see him. I considered those my big accomplishments for the day.
Today, however, I failed miserably. I texted him, almost pleaded. He didn’t respond, but he didn’t need to anyway. I just really, really miss him. I am so broken. My message for him went like this,
“Miss na miss na miss na kita. Di kita pinapahirapan. Di kita inaaway. Wala ka naman nga kailangan ipaliwanag. Namimiss lang kita masyado. Alam ko naman na wala ka na tlga pakialam sakin. Sorry kung nahihirapan ako tanggapin. :( bago ako matulog pinagppray ko tlga na maayos pa tayo. Na makakita ka pa ng kahit maliit na reason na maging okay tyo ule. Na bigyan mo pa ako ng chance. :( Na matutunan mo ako ulet mahalin. Kahit naman di agad agad e. Wag mo naman isarado yung puso mo sakin bigla. :(“
I’m sorry if others consider it a bad move. But I felt like my heart was going to burst if I didn’t get all of those out of my chest. And I really am praying, endlessly, for everything to be okay in the end.
I’m praying for the last person I will ever love.
Suggestions - Orelia Has Orchestra
It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down
Oh i’m sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound
Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you
But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe
and now i’m open for suggestions
At the end of the day lifes a lesson
So why cant he see it form my point of view
And how many seconds in the hours of a day did we lose
Was it me or his feelings, me or his feelings that day
Cause i just stood there in silence watched while my world blew away
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe
and now i’m open for suggestions
At the end of the day lifes a lesson
My lifes a lesson
Hollow, Hollow
Feelings in the air that i breathe that come over me
Now i’m open
Oh yes i’m open
For suggestions
Lifes a lesson
Now i’m free cause lifes a lesson
Oh why cant i see it from his point of view
And how many seconds in the hours will i make him lose
Oh he said it was him or the answer,it was him or the answer that day
Well i cant keep shouting answer, so what was the use anyway.
My heart is screaming “LOVE ME!”
I hope it creates an invisible tidal wave
And reaches where your heart lay quiet
Creates a rapture
Like you’ve never felt for me before.
I hope it awakens whatever dormant feelings
You have for me
Fill your heart with longingness
For the things that have been
And the things that will be.
There are three different voices fighting in my head.
The first one keeps telling me that I love Eric so much, I have to keep myself from texting and seeing him. That way, he won’t have a hard time with whatever it is he wanted to do with his life, he won’t feel guilty and he won’t get pissed at me anymore. It doesn’t matter to him anyway how hurt I still am. I won’t burden him with my own feelings and will just let him deal with his own.
The second voice nags at me to do whatever it takes to win him back. It keeps reminding me of all the little details that it thinks are worth a shot. It keeps telling me that Eric is worth every damn thing in the world. And he is worth stumbling over and over and going back to square one a thousand times.
The third voice is the most calm. It tells me to let things be; that everything will unfold in due time. That if Eric still has an ounce of concern for me and if he doesn’t have anyone else he likes, there might still be a chance for us in the future, if we both let go of everything this time. That I won’t have to wait for anything and he doesn’t have to explain anything. That it doesn’t matter what I do, how I look or what the hell I do to myself—if he doesn’t love me, we won’t be together. And if he does, we will be. That there are no prerequisites for love. There is no reason, no condition. That if Love decides to touch his heart one more time and if it chooses me, there should be no question. I won’t have second thoughts. We will choose to be each other again. But that until then, I can’t do anything anymore. Because US doesn’t matter right now. There is only ME right here, and HIM far away. There is no US anymore. And US may never happen again in the future. And I have to prepare for that as well.
These voices keep fighting one another throughout the day. And it takes all my energy to listen to the right one and not do anything stupid. Most of the time it’s really, really hard I don’t even know if I want to cry or shout or just sleep it off.
But whatever I do at the end of the day, one thing still remains constant: I love him. I may have to convince myself that we will NEVER get back together, but it will take more to convince myself that I don’t love him anymore. Because I do, with everything I’ve got and everything I am.
I am 100% sure that he doesn’t love me and won’t love me again, for the following reasons (according to him):
1. Di ko na sya napapasaya
2. Magkaiba kami ugali
3. Baka nasanay lang kami dahil kami yun
4. “Parang wala na ko karapatan sa sarili ko.”
5. “Naghiwalay nga tayo every week mo na lang ako inaaway. Iniisip ko nga kung kelangan ko pa magpaliwanag.”
6. Nasasakal sya lalo sakin ngayon kahit wala na kami
7. Feeling nya minamanipulate ko sya lagi
8. “Bakit ba di mo kaya igalang yung desisyon ko?”
9. Binura na nya pictures namin sa Facebook
10. Sinabi na nyang sana maging magkaibigan na lang kami.
11. HINDI NA NYA AKO MAHAL SINCE NOVEMBER pero hindi sya nakipagbreak agad. Ibig sabihin sinigurado muna nya talaga yung nararamdaman nya, para hindi na naman sya pabigla-bigla.
I am back to square one. I did a stupid thing and texted Eric earlier. I know, I already said it was stupid. I did it because I was feeling particularly calm, and I thought there wasn’t anything wrong about saying how you feel. And I’m allowed to feel. I’m entitled to my own emotions.
[Tagalog mode from here on because I’m going to rant]
Naiinis ako. Sabi nya yun parin naman daw desisyon nya. It’s irrelevant whether he still loves me or not (which I’m sure he doesn’t anymore). The plain and simple truth is that he doesn’t want me anymore. He’s moved on. After a week. Ang galing nya. Perhaps the reason he’s moved on a week after we broke up is that he’s been preparing for this for months. He didn’t just fall out of love with me within a day. Matagal na nyang nafifeel na ayaw nya pero hindi muna sya umayaw hanggat sure na syang hindi na nya talaga ako gusto.
When finally he told me na ayaw na nya, sinasabi nya lang na hindi sya sure, pero ngayon narerealize ko nang siguradong sigurado na sya sa nararamdaman nya. Kasi kung November pa nya naisip na hindi na sya masaya, malamang pinag-isipan nya yun hanggang nung nagbreak kami. Hindi sya nagpadalos dalos sa desisyon. Akala ko lang na biglaan kasi wala akong idea sa nararamdaman nya.
Tapos ngayon, to add to my paranoia, may nakikita pa akong udpates from someone na nagkagusto sa kanya dati. Someone na inadd sya bigla sa Facebook a few days after makipagbreak naman ng babae sa boyfriend nya. At ngayon she’s posting super random cheesy stuff from someone anonymous, someone she isn’t naming kasi according to her, pinapalamig pa nila yung situation. Ano na?
Sobrang galing na coincidence naman neto. Alam ko na kung nagfall out of love man si Eric sakin, wala kailangang third party para mangyari yun. Hindi ko naman sinasabing ibang babae yung reason. Naiinis lang ako sa thought na pwedeng ganun kadali sya lumandi sa iba.
Putangina lang. Ni hindi ko pa nga lang matanggap na nangyayari sakin to, tapos sya sobrang ibang level na sya. Na parang ilang years na kaming hiwalay?!
Putangina lang talaga.
